he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
The beer is more important than you right now.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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