the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
