i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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