I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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