I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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