why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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