So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
