I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs