Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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