You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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