Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
