this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
