Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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