Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
