failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
