I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
