literally had 100 drinks last night.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
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You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
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my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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