as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Randomize
