That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
