When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
