I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
and you said cock pushups were impossible
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
