dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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