the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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