Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
