thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I could fuck to npr.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Randomize
