I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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