in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
