This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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