by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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