Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
