what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Randomize
