We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
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We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
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no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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