why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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