She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
