I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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