And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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