i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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