You just made me feel so damn special
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
