I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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