I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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