I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
