Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
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