I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
