Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I'm too high and old for this...
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
