dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I want to be your penis for a week.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
