I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Dicks are not precious.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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