Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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