Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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