Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
