let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
