Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
