everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Randomize
