I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
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I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
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No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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