She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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